My Chosen Path
by the amyrlin seat
Summary: Moiraine knows she and Lanfear are fated to fall into the stone doorway together. She knows she's been acting strange since her trip to Rhuidean. When someone she loves wants to know why, will she risk the world’s future by answering? MoiraineXLan


Disclaimer: I don't own WoT, or any of its wonderful characters. I only extend there stories.

A/n: A little Valentine's Day romance! My take on how Moiraine spent her last night in Kairhien. Taking place in the middle of chapter 51 of TFoH, just after Moiraine leaves Egwene's room.

This song is from Moiraine to Lan

Within Temptation-Frozen

.com/watch?v=JizBVv-J5_0

On to My Chosen Path!

Moiraine walked through the Sun Palace's miles of marble halls, her feet taking her toward her sleeping chambers. The only sounds she heard were her own echoing footsteps on the white floor tiles, occasionally accompanied by the scurrying of a liveried servant carrying fresh sheets, clothes to be laundered and the like. Moiraine's face showed not a hint of expression, her stride remaining quick and even. She passed the well remembered niches, each with its gilded lamp, or green, paper thin Seafolk porcelain vase. Some of them held flowers that would dry up any day now. This unforgiving heat cared not for the threads of the humans it unwittingly cut from the pattern, and even less for the survival of a few flowers. The empty vases had probably held flowers as well, but noone had bothered to replace them when they withered. Maybe there were none to replace them with.

She passed the tapestries of hunting leopards, wolves looking as if they might spring at any moment, and men riding confidently into battle, each carrying a banner representing their house.

Moiraine Dammadred looked like a proud queen, or maybe a battle general, leading the remainder of her fallen army into the last stretch of a war they already knew they could not win.

She'd grown up in the Sun Palace, and although she hadn't seen it in over twenty years, it was just the way she remembered it. But she wasn't the same Moiraine anymore. She was Aes Sedai, and this place was no longer her home. She didn't belong here. She didn't belong anywhere. As strange as it sounded, she belonged with Rand, and with Lan.

Moiraine could only hope that what she'd done for Rand would be enough. It seemed that there was never enough time. So much for him to learn, and she had too little time. At least he had someone to instruct him in the one power. She had worried about that for many long hours. At first because she feared him not knowing enough, and later because of the teacher he'd managed to procure.

It made her stomach churn to think of one of the forsaken being so close, but she supposed it was the only way. She could only hope that he would heed her advice.

He'd stopped listening to her, and she believed he almost hated her. So out of sheer desperation, she'd given him an oath of obedience.

At first, Moiraine hated that oath, but then she'd found that it worked to her advantage. "I've remembered how to control Saidar," she'd said. "By surrendering to it." It was true.

It was the only way to gain his trust. He listened to her now, if a bit grudgingly. But none the less, he listened. She could see the looks of astonishment when he commanded her out of a room, when he spoke to her like she was nothing more than a mere servant. She didn't care. She'd do anything she had to, even become his lover. She knew how desasterous that path would be, but she'd do it if it would help her cause.

They didn't understand, and she didn't expect them to. Not even Lan understood. She'd pulled away from him too. She knew he was hurt, and a bit confused. Not that he'd ever tell her so. Where they had once shared confidences, now there was only silence. Why should he feel hurt? He'd given his heart to someone else, hadn't he? He only stayed by her side because he'd given her his life and sword the day she'd made him her warder. What's this? Was she a bit jealous? No, of course not. Well, maybe a little. He'd been her companion for the last twenty years, and in truth, they shared everything accept a bed. Then, in a matter of mere months, young Nynaeve came into his life, seeding cracks in his barriers. She made him wish he were just a man, instead of the king of a lost nation. A king who fought an unending battle against the shadow that would surely end in his death. Maybe … she even made him wish he wasn't bonded to Moiraine. That last stabbed at her, but she didn't doubt the truth in it.

Lan fought the changes Nynaeve brought to his life, and his ever growing feelings for her, but inch by inch, he lost ground. Lan's loyalties began to change. He'd never argued with Moiraine, never questioned her decisions, but he did now. Nynaeve's concerns had become his, and he would fight Moiraine if her plans put them in danger.

No matter, Lan did not belong to her. He never had, and he never would. "If I were ever to choose a man, you can be assured it would not be Lan." That is what she'd told Nynaeve, and let the fool girl take it however she wished. Although her statement had some truth, that she would never take Lan as her lover, it wasn't because she didn't love him. Rather, because she had already pledged herself to her cause, because she didn't have time for a lover.

"So, it isn't because you know he'd reject you even if you asked?" A little voice chimed in. She ignored it, but her hands unconsciously gripped her skirts. No, of course that wasn't why! She didn't have time for love. Attachments would only make it harder to face her fate. If she thought that he might love her … if she thought of leaving him behind, she didn't know if she'd be strong enough. It was a fruitless train of thought. She would be gone soon, and Nynaeve would have him. She knew he was still angry she'd chosen to pass his bond to Myrelle, but it was for his own good. She hoped he'd see that one day. She wanted Lan's happiness, and she was willing to let him hate her for it. She wouldn't let someone as good, as loyal and strong as Lan waste his life avenging her. He was meant for a greater purpose. Maybe he would fight beside Rand in the last battle. Moiraine only wished she could be there too.

When she and Siuan were accepted, they often giggled, talking of how they would bond strong, hansom young men as their warders, making them their lovers. A foolish young girl's fancy. She did have a lover now, but by no means was it her warder. Just as the maidens were wedded to the spear, she was wedded to her cause. It was the only thing that mattered now.

Best not think of Siuan-lest she think of what they'd done to her … how she too would never live to see their cause completed. A part of her still couldn't believe Siuan was dead. A part of her screamed that Siuan had found a way to escape, that she was out there somewhere, but how could that be? Burn the fools for taking her Siuan! And most of all, burn Elaida! She still hated them after all these years. She'd finally gotten her revenge on Siuan.

Moiraine felt so alone. She wanted Lan, she wanted Siuan. She wanted someone to share this burden with. She shook a little, the tears threatening to spill over, but no. She'd promised she wouldn't cry. She'd promised to be strong. But oh how unfair it all was! Her strong, ever dependable Siuan, they'd broken her. She'd only done what she believed was right, and she'd paid for it with her life. Why couldn't they see that she had done it for them? Why couldn't they see that they needed Rand to win the last battle? Light, did they want the Dark One to win? Fools, all of them! No, no, no, no! I must stop thinking of her. I won't break down, not now. I must be strong, I mustn't break now. She'd want me to be strong. Her steps faltered, and silence descended on the hall. Moiraine took a deep breath, forcing herself to take a step forward, then a second, and a third. She felt the weight of each step, almost as if it would be her last. Her feet slowly began to gain force and strength, Her delicate white knuckled fists gripping her skirts tighter as she turned down a darkened corridor. It seemed the lamps had not been lit here just yet. She looked down at her hands fisted in her skirts, letting go hastily. She smoothed them back down, her feet resuming their automated path.

Fitting, that my last days should be spent in the same place where I grew up. It seems that like the wheel, my life has come full circle. Moiraine chuckled at the thought. Her mind didn't want to think about Siuan, it didn't want to think about tomorrow, about all the things still undone, all the people left behind.

They had chosen their paths that fateful day, the day they'd heard Guitara's foretelling. They'd known from the start that even if they succeeded, they could still be found out, dying of an "Accident", as so many had in the hands of the Black Ajah. Or even worse, they could be stilled. (The thought of stilling scared her even more than death.)

When they came to the realization that the black Ajah really did exist, they never thought of turning back. They knew what the price of discovery would be, but finding the dragon was more important. So why did she find it so hard to face the reality of Siuan's fate, and her own?

Moiraine gave a start at finding herself standing in front of a chamber door, heavy and worked with rising suns. Mechanically, she pushed it open, walking inside, stepping on to a length of flowered carpet patterned in the Tairen style. In her surprise at finding herself in front of the chamber door, she missed the sliver of light that would have been visible from outside. Lan sat at his ease on her bed, a fire roaring merrily in the fireplace. Lan's arms were crossed, his stony face expressionless. Startled, she took a shaky step forward.! You woolhead! How is it that you didn't notice him before? If you would have been paying attention instead of daydreaming, you would have known you were heading in his direction.

"Moiraine, so you've finally come." He said, his voice showing the concern she felt through the bond, but his face masked it. Had he been waiting for her?

"You look tired. Why don't you sleep? We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow."

She sat down beside him, saying nothing. Oh, how hard it was! What could she say? How could she explain? She couldn't, that was the problem.

"Yes, I'll sleep soon. I just need to sit and think for a time."

Her voice sounded tremulous in her own ears. Oh light, she couldn't let him see her break, she couldn't!

"Please … Lan, you should go."

His face hardened further, if that was even possible, and she felt his iron resolve.

"No." He said simply. No? No? Who did the man think he was!? She tried uselessly to summon a spark of anger.

"There is something wrong. There has been for some time now. You've been behaving strangely, and I mean to find out why once and for all."

Moiraine sighed in exasperation. The man was like a dog with a bone. She really should have expected this.

"Lan, if I choose to keep silent, it is not your place to question me." He stiffened.

"I understand that, Moiraine, but we are going into battle tomorrow, and if your mind is elsewhere, it could get you killed." He said in a much too polite tone.

"Why does it matter, al'Lan Mandragoron? You know that if I die, your bond will pass to another." Her tone was icy calm. She hoped she could make him furious enough to leave. If he didn't, she might end up telling him everything, risking the fate of the world because she was a foolish little girl.

Abruptly, Lan stood, fury pulsing through the bond. He loomed over Moiraine, taking the diminutive woman by the shoulders, shaking her. She looked up at him, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Moiraine! Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do. We've had this conversation before, and the last time, you made me angry enough to walk away, didn't you? The last time, you were almost killed by a draghkar, do you remember? I barely reached you in time! You won't chase me away. Not this time. I want you to talk to me, Moiraine."

She felt breathless. He was so close, his tone so soft, so concerned, but she could still feel his fury. He always had this affect on her. That's why she avoided physical closeness whenever possible.

"There's…

nothing to talk about. I've just been a bit … distracted…" Light, those eyes, like blue ice, so cold, yet somehow, so warm. She could get lost in those piercing blue eyes. How they'd always hypnotized her, drawing her into their depths, haunting her dreams. But as of late, her dreams had been haunted by someone else. She winced with the memory. But of course, he misunderstood. Reluctantly, it seemed to her, he released his grip on her shoulders, quickly looking her up and down, worry extinguishing his anger.

"Are you alright? I know I shouldn't have shaken you like that, but you refuse to see reason. I'm your warder, yet you won't even talk to me."

Moiraine repressed a sigh. She'd have to tell him something.

"Alright, you want to know?" She said, her eyes showing a hint of amusement as they looked into his.

"Of course I do. Stop toying with me, Moiraine."

His eyes glittered, and she could see as well as feel his fury rising again.

In a tone that suggested something as trivial as going out for a stroll, she replied. "If you must know, I'm going on a journey soon."

He looked confusedly up at her. "Don't you mean, we?"

"No, I don't. I mean it to be a journey on which you will not accompany me."

More than angry, Lan was just shocked. "If you do not wish me at your side, then where will you send me off to? Surely, you aren't considering that I go to Myerelle Sedai just yet." The last delivered in a tone that would curdle milk.

Moiraine had regained a semblance of composure, her voice ringing out in her usual high pitched chiming tone, not a bit of the quaver from earlier remaining.

"I'm afraid I cannot tell you anything yet, Lan."

He sat down heavily on a wooden chair near the fireplace, his gaze never wavering from her face. "What about the boy? You've been sticking to his side like a burr on a saddle blanket, and now you mean to leave him behind? After all this, why? Moiraine, if you wish for me to stay with Rand, why not just say so? If there are other instructions, why not just tell me outright? I'm not one of your Pons, and I don't take kindly to your valed hinting."

Moiraine tried to keep from grimacing; instead, smiling what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

"There is no need to worry. Trust me when I say, you will know what you must do when the time comes. There is no use in arguing now. I've made up my mind, and nothing will change my course. Now please, I've told you what you wanted to know." She knew she sounded warn out, but she didn't care. "Now Lan, I wish to get some sleep." It was a polite dismissal, and Lan knew it. He didn't leave, though. He simply sat there, still looking at her. She could read no expression in those ice blue eyes now, and the bond only gave her a sense of his determination. Determination? What was there left to argue about? She'd told him what he'd asked for, hadn't she? …Well, sort of, and he still sat there.

With an audible sigh, she went into the next room, removing her skirts, clad only in her silk shift. When she walked back out, she found him still sitting there, as immovable as Dragonmount. Why wouldn't the man just leave!? He was making this more difficult than it already was.

He said nothing. He only watched her as she got into bed, pulling the sheets up to her chest. She closed her eyes, pretending to fall asleep. Maybe he'd leave now? No. She knew better. She clenched her fists in exasperation underneath the sheets. The bond did complicate matters. There was no way he couldn't feel her agitation, her fear and sadness.

Lan still said nothing, seeming to look distractedly into the fire. Lan stood up unexpectedly, beginning to pace slowly around the room. He looked to be a wolf, prowling the night. Moiraine couldn't help watching him through lidded eyes. Her look spoke volumes. It spoke of love, of admiration, and of longing. Without warning, the tears began to roll down her face, a small sob catching in her throat. She hurriedly buried her face in the blanket, shaking from the flood of tears, and the effort of keeping silent. She hated doing this to him, but she had no choice. There was always a choice, but this was the best she had. Her life, in exchange for another chance at the last battle.

The next moment, she felt the blanket being peeled off, gentle arms lifting her.

"Lan…" She whispered softly. The tears still flowing from her eyes.

He began to pace again, finally settling back down on her bed, slowly rocking her back and forth. She knew he was concerned, and even a little afraid.

"Yes, Moiraine. Right here. Always right here. There, there, little Aes Sedai." His voice was soft and gentle, like a warm caress. She'd never heard him use that tone with her. But then again, she'd never let him see her cry before. How long had it been since the last time she'd cried, anyway? She couldn't remember. In fact, she couldn't remember anything with him holding her like that.

She shuttered a little, wrapping her arms around him, pressing her face to his chest, and finally deciding to let the flood gates open the rest of the way.

"Oh Moiraine. I hope it wasn't me who sent you into tears." His hands lifted her head, brushing her cheek while pushing a strand of hair from her face. She shivered, her tears beginning to subside as she looked up at him through bleary eyes. She was much too aware of him, of how close he was. For once, she didn't see her warder, only a man. He was simply a man, and she, a woman. Her hand reached up to touch his cheek, but she dropped it back down quickly.

Lan smiled, red tingeing his cheeks as he stammered, "Are … you alright now? You're … too pretty to cry, you know." He didn't realize he was stroking her hair.

Oh what was wrong with her? She shouldn't enjoy the feel of his hands in her hair as much as she did. Certainly not! And for that matter, what was wrong with him? He was stammering? It couldn't be because … no, of course not! She steeled herself, looking into his eyes. There was warmth there. She looked down at her lap, her gaze inexorably going back to his eyes, then to his lips. How full and soft they looked! In how many dreams had she kissed them? If only … if only…

There eyes locked, and as one, they closed the distance, their lips meeting at last.

Moiraine gasped, pulling back, feeling lightnings explode inside her. But Lan only kissed her again, his lips lingering on hers. His arms tightened around her, and she could see his blue eyes blazing like hot coals, and a small part wondered if hers looked the same. She felt waves of warmth spread through her limbs, her body feeling like jelly. How she wanted him, feeling his sudden longing for her. It was like fire racing through her blood, her need and his swallowing her whole.

When they broke, they were both breathless and blushing. What a sight they must be!

"Moiraine … I'm … sorry. I shouldn't have …" She placed her hand over his, looking up at him sadly.

"I know what you're going to say. There is no need. I know you love Nynaeve." He sighed in relief, but his arms didn't loosen there hold. Instead, he began stroking her hair again, periodically tracing a finger along her cheek, eliciting another small shiver from Moiraine. Light, if the man only knew what he was doing to her.

"I … love you too, Moiraine. I think I always have. I know it's wrong, but I love you both. I never approached you because I knew you wouldn't have me. You loved your cause more than you could ever love any man, and I wouldn't interfere in that. The most I could do was serve you faithfully, showing you my love through my dedication to your cause. All I wanted was to remain at your side, to watch over you, keeping you alive to do your life's work."

She squeezed his hand, her gaze still locked on his.

"I always loved you too, Lan. You'd notice if you'd only looked. I still do, but now … there is Nynaeve. You belong to her."

Lan sighed. "I do. I belong to both of you, but in different ways. I won't leave you. If you recall, I made an oath."

Moiraine frowned. "Is that the only reason? I've half expected you to ask me to release your bond for a while now." His eyes flared, indignation overwhelming all his other emotions.

"I wouldn't! I feel it my duty to protect you, it's true, but you are more than just any Aes Sedai. You've been my traveling companion for near on twenty years now, and I'd like to think we're friends."

Moiraine smiled up at him. "Of course we're friends!"

He smiled back at her, the expression looking odd on his stony face. "Good! Don't let me find you forgetting it." Before Moiraine could reply, he kissed her again, soft and slow, the stored passion of twenty years in it.

"I love you, Moiraine Dammodred, Aes Sedai of the Blue Ajah. I may never tell you so again, but I wanted you to know. I am always here for you, and my life is a small price worth paying if it means saving your life, or that of Nynaeve."

She was stunned to silence, and all she could do was nod.

"I … won't forget, Lan. I promise. I'll keep your words close. They'll be my talisman."

He ruffled her hair, gently laying her down on the bed.

"I'm glad of it, and I will keep your words just as close. It's time for you to sleep now. Tomorrow will be a long day for us all, and light willing, we'll all come back in one piece." Another flicker of sadness flashed in her eyes, but Lan didn't see.

"Yes, light willing we don't lose too many. Losses are unavoidable in battle. As we both know very well."

His smile was sad as he lay beside her, pulling the blankets to cover them.

"Wha-what are you doing?"

He gave her an amused smile. "Absolutely nothing. Just making sure you don't go running off while I'm asleep." He draped an arm around her, pillowing her head on his chest.

"Shsh. No arguments. I know you're still shaken, and I know there's something you're not telling me. I accept that, but at least let me comfort you."

Moiraine relaxed against Lan, taking his hand and squeezing it gently.

"Alright. Just for tonight. It won't do either of us any harm." They lay in silence, looking into each other's eyes, neither saying a word. It wasn't an oppressive silence. They'd both said what needed to be said.

The hours passed, and still, neither of them moved. She wondered who or what he thought about. Although she was happy to know he loved her, she felt guilty that she would leave him so soon after. No matter, he still had Nynaeve, and the girl would love him the way Moiraine could only wish to. He had unknowingly given her a parting gift, and she would treasure it. Moiraine knew she would never know what it was like to love Lan, but he had given her more than she could've hoped for, and she wouldn't ask for more than that. As she'd promised, it would be her talisman. When she faced her fate at the docks tomorrow, when she fought her last battle, she would remember his eyes, his lips, and his loving embrace. Each moment giving her the strength to do what she must. She was doing it for Lan, for Rand, for all the others she had grown to care for, and yes, even for the ones she didn't know. So was the will of the pattern.

"The Wheel weaves as the wheel wills, and we are but threads in the pattern." She recited over and over, like a catechism. The minutes continued to pass in the peaceful silence, until finally, light peaked through the windows, signaling the rising of the sun.

She got up silently, dressing and beginning the hundred strokes through her hair with a silver comb. She could see that Lan had fallen asleep, and she was content to let him stay that way. No need to rush the morning. The pattern would show it's weave in do time.

Her mind wandered to Siuan, of all they'd shared while studying at the white tower. After that came thoughts of her mother, her father, and the family she'd left behind so long ago.

This truly was goodbye, wasn't it? Maybe she'd come back someday. Just maybe … the letters would do some good. Maybe they'd manage to bring her back. Only that thin thread of hope remained to her.

Moiraine put down the silver comb, removing a loose brick from the fireplace, and gently extracting two sealed letters. She slid them into her belt pouch before sliding the loose brick back into place.

She took a deep breath, gently touching Lan's shoulder.

"Lan... It's not like you to sleep passed sunrise."

Is it time already?" He said, sitting up while already looking toward the windows.

"Ahh. I see you're right. Well, no sense in keeping Rand waiting. I doubt the boy's gotten much sleep."

He put on his color shifting cloak, and opened the door for Moiraine. As she led the way out into the halls, she laughed.

"As Mat would say, time to toss the dice!" Lan only looked at her curiously. Then he gave her a wry grin.

"I'm surprised you'd use one of young Mat's lines." Moiraine only shrugged.

"If it fits, why not?"

"Why not indeed." He said, chuckling to himself.

They continued walking down the halls, and Moiraine realized all her fears had vanished. He had given her a piece of mind she hadn't had in weeks, and now she could face down anything with confidence.

And so, as the pattern dictated, when the time came, Moiraine kept true to her word. She fought Lanfear with all her strength, and although neither of them won in the end, she gave it her all. In the process, saving the lives of Rand, Egwene, Aviendha and countless others. Everyone who knew her felt grief at her loss, and later, even those who knew only her name did as well. For she was one of the greatest known Aes Sedai in history. She would be revered as the Aes Sedai who killed both Be'lal and Lanfear. The one who found the world's hope of salvation. along with their grief, some also felt guilt. Rand and Lan felt it most of all. She was added to Rand's list of names, her standing out most in his mind. They both followed her last wishes for them. Rand, in not trusting any Aes Sedai who wore the shawl the day of her parting, and by putting all the knowledge she left him to use. Lan, by riding off to Myerelle's side, and inevitably to Nynaeve's.

Unaware of events in her absence, Moiraine waited patiently in the world beyond the doorway, still holding to her thread of hope. Maybe she would be saved one day, and maybe she wouldn't. All she could do now is wait. If for some reason she wasn't rescued, she hoped only that her cause would be completed without her. That the light would once again overcome the shadow.


End file.
